Being Beautiful
When I was in 7th grade, I was 5’11 (180cm.) I towered over everyone, including all the boys (school dances were awkward to say the least.) I matured more quickly than an average middle school girl and was constantly mistaken as a 17 year old. This meant I received a lot of attention from older guys. Movie dates, flirty instant messages and notes in class made me feel pretty, validated. My self worth was authenticated via compliments and how many 9th graders thought I was “hot.” This continued through high school, obviously changing as I grew older. I then took a gap year before college and traveled with a group called, Up With People.
Our international cast toured the world, stayed with host families, participated in community service and performed a professional show for thousands of people. The program included education workshops and a great amount of time for self-reflection. This is when I truly realized what I had been using my physical appearance for and how it was affecting me as a person. When we toured Taiwan, I was a blonde Godzilla: a solid foot taller than the entire country’s population. People stopped me to touch my hair, pointed at me openly and always asked to take pictures. After Asia and a quick jaunt through Europe, the Up With People cast flew over to Mexico, where I became the actual definition of a Barbie. I pranced across stage, singing in Spanish, afterwards greeted by little girls asking me, “tu eres Barbie?” (Are you Barbie?)
This is the thing: when someone tells you what you are over and over, you start to believe it. I was told I was Barbie, so I became Barbie, soon preoccupied with making sure I looked “perfect.” Tan, slim, blonde and always smiling, I actually believed what I had to offer was centered on what I looked like.
After this adventure I moved to Georgia to attend university and play Division 1 soccer. The state that boasts southern hospitality greeted me with sororities, peach-inspired boutiques and another type of pressure: being pretty, but never too pretty. College is tough for many reasons and during this time I really struggled with jealousy, insecurity and trying to fit into a mold others pegged as acceptable.
Finally I moved to Costa Rica to pursue my surfer girl dreams while attending a University filled with Ticos (local Costa Ricans) and bathrooms with no toilet paper. It was here when I finally started to learn the true definition of beauty and the significance of confidence. The surfing part didn’t work out (way harder than it looks) and I struggled with the language barrier, but I stopped wearing as much make up and I started appreciating different types of beauty. The girls I met taught me to worry less about my hair and more about how I treated those around me. Living in Los Angeles proposed a new challenge: staying grounded in a world of glitz, celebrities and “perfection” while pursuing a professional career. All this being said, I am constantly evolving and understanding concept of physicality and uncertainty about the future; but I feel that now I have a grip on who I am becoming and what I have to offer- and it’s more than a tall frame and a nice smile.
All this being said, I am constantly growing and struggling with my looks and boys and my weight (especially after living in a city as appearance-based as LA…) but I feel that now I have a grip on who I am and what I have to offer- and it’s more than a tall body and a nice smile.
The point of this post is to remind girls that it’s ok to feel pressure and it’s ok to want compliments, but it’s absolutely necessary that you realize that your self worth and who you are as a person is NOT based on your appearance. The truth is, the way you look now is not how you will look in 20 years and by that time, it won’t matter how skinny you looked in your dress or how many guys deemed you “gorgeous.” What will matter is how you view yourself. Love yourself for more than physical attributes and watch your world change.
besos,
Krafty